Alabama handbook on marriage

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Gov Benefits. Census Bureau U. You can share your sad or angry feelings with your spouse, but be careful not to make your spouse feel like he or she is the target.

Loving humor can break the tension of an argument in a split second! Forgive and forget. Sometimes direct confrontation is not the best way to talk to your spouse about an issue. The Big Red Flags Throughout your marriage, pay particular attention to the following four behaviors, which are considered to be especially destructive and predictive of marital failure.

Defensiveness In response to a complaint, it might seem natural to defend yourself. But rather than defuse the attack, this response usually escalates it. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your spouse. Contempt Too much negativity leads to conversations full of sarcasm, cynicism, and mockery.

Contempt is poisonous to a relationship. It conveys disgust, and it eats away at any good in the relationship. Stonewalling usually arrives last. It represents a deadly disconnection. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling can sneak into even the best of relationships. Marshall and used with permission. Managing Money All marriages include the management of issues and tasks.

One issue that all couples deal with is how to handle money. An important place to start is talking to each other about your values for spending. Why do you spend your money the way you do? Because people are different and value different things. You have made—and will continue to make—choices based on your values.

Values are not necessarily right or wrong; they express what is most important to you. Families set goals based on their values. A major reason why many couples argue about money often involves differing values and goals between partners.

Read over the list below. Put a 1 beside the things that are most important to you. Put a 2 by the things you consider somewhat important and a 3 by things that are not important to you. What will you do with the money? Decide how you would spend the money and fill in the chart below. You have just been laid off of your job. You must make a major cut in spending. What would you cut first? Money-Talk Tips Here are some tips that will help you effectively manage your money together.

Do you both value the same things? Take some time to compare your actual spending to your rated priorities to see if they really do match. Avoid language that will put your spouse on the defensive, such as criticizing, ridiculing, or demanding.

Answer these questions individually, and then compare your answers with those of your spouse. Do you and your spouse both plan on working after you get married? Read through your responses with your spouse. Which responses do you feel good about? Which responses show how your work life might be negatively affecting your home life? How will your work affect your decisions of whether and when to have children? Who should that be? Alabama Marriage Handbook Balance vs. Stress - Now consider the level of balance or stress in your life.

At the end of the day, I feel frustrated because I did not accomplish all that I planned to do. Tally the points that are associated with each of the responses you circled.

Try some of these pointers to help you manage the daily routines of work and family. Look back on pg. You should each feel that the distribution of labor—how much and what each of you does—is fair. Be prepared to offer some suggested strategies. Develop strategies together. Take a few minutes to make the following lists. List all of the household tasks that need to be done. It helps to put the tasks into categories such as indoor work, outdoor work, childcare, financial management, and wage earning.

List how often each task needs to be done. Is it daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, or yearly? List how long it takes to complete each task. List who will do or usually does the task. How long? Alabama Marriage Handbook Tips for Managing Housework Together One of the challenges for busy dual-earner couples is carving out enough time to get the necessary household work done without cutting into personal, couple, and family time. This problem is a source of stress in many relationships.

What really needs to be done and when? Some jobs are clearly more important than others. What must get done each day? What can wait until the weekend? What can children do? A little planning can go a long way. Working out a plan of responsibility for household jobs—like the one suggested on pg. Making a plan can also help clarify who is doing work that the other may not know about. A wiser division of tasks allows for balanced sharing and individual preference.

Make a rule that whoever does the task can do it his or her way without criticism. In the case of different standards, partners can work to reach a compromise that both can live with. Switch household jobs every now and then to minimize boredom. Also, allowing the other person to take responsibility for a household job might reveal some hidden talent or creativity. Managing Children Having children is clearly something to discuss with your spouse before you marry.

Do you expect to have children with your spouse? How many? Will one of you stay home after the child is born? If so, who? If so, for how long? Having children brings changes to a marriage. According to the authors of Becoming Parents: How to Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Grows, new parents like Sharon and Jim often show four related signs of stress: they keep score, their focus narrows, they resent pressures of the outside world, and they lose their perspective.

They keep score. And the things that Sharon does always seem more difficult and important to her than those that Jim. Not better, necessarily; not worse, necessarily; but different. Adding a baby to the family represents a major life change for most couples.

Children can bring new meaning and depth to a family. While children certainly bring joy, most couples find that responsibilities, routines, and relationships change in some ways after the baby comes. Many couples notice that parenthood sets off some ripples of relationship dissatisfaction for at least a couple of years after the baby arrives. For dual-earner couples, the arrival of a child often changes the employment status of at least one partner, typically the mother.

Even when these changes are desired and planned, they can be accompanied by negative feelings, maybe even depression.

Lately, when she finds herself keeping score, Sharon tries to keep quiet until she can remind herself that Jim is working as hard as she is. Both she and Jim have decided that the score is likely to even out over time. Their focus narrows. When life gets intensely stressful with many demands, many people respond by focusing on one aspect of their lives often the baby, work, a hobby.

This one area begins to edge out the others, and their world shrinks. Of course, this can be a problem because the other partner may begin to feel very resentful. Jim began focusing more and more on work in the months after the baby came. Sharon felt that she could barely make contact with him anymore. When they finally talked about this, Jim was shocked.

He felt that he was being a good provider. During this emotional conversation, Jim promised to not let work take over his life. They resent the people, pressures, and activities of the outside world. Because time is tight and sleep is precious, new parents often feel overwhelmed by what used to be normal social ties and activities. Sharon began noticing that her sister and mother were planning big family dinners far too often. The resentment built until she blew up at them one morning and accused them of trying to stretch her too thin.

After cooling down and talking with Jim, Sharon realized that the family dinners were no more frequent than before the baby.

And she realized that she really cherished those chances to see other family members. She and Jim worked out a plan for attending some but maybe not all the dinners. For this young family, it worked best to set realistic boundaries but keep the relationships alive.

They lose their perspective. What used to be little things can sometimes look unbearably large after the arrival of a little one. Previously accepted standards may have to shift. Jim had never thought of himself as a neat-freak, just a somewhat-cleaner-than-average guy. When Sharon went back to work and the newly walking baby began wreaking havoc on the house, Jim felt constantly irritated.

One day he blew up at Sharon. In the end, he decided that it was really not a big deal, certainly not worth his energy nor hurting Sharon. These problems are hard to avoid completely, but it can help to recognize them and try to have realistic expectations.

When difficulties do arise, expert John Gottman has some advice: stay calm, speak nondefensively with your partner, and take the time to express understanding of his or her position. When couples decide to talk about conflicts, they should avoid put-downs and negative assumptions about their partner. Rather than waiting for conflicts to occur, prevention is a wise investment. Wiley, Ph. Jossey-Bass, publisher. Judith P. New York: HarperCollins, publisher.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. John Gottman. New parents in dual-earner families are often especially challenged to find time to focus on their relationship, and many feel guilty when they do take the time.

Setting aside some time, even small amounts throughout the day and week, can be very nourishing for a relationship strained by a loved but needy new child. Once the new baby has settled into a reasonably predictable pattern, new parents can actually plan some little dates throughout the day. Finding ways to have fun and nurture friendship is important. While some dual-earner new parents feel guilty about spending nonworking time away from their child, keep in mind that a healthy relationship between two parents is the best gift they can give their child.

It makes sense to invest in keeping your relationship strong even when time is tight. Alabama Marriage Handbook Managing In-Laws Our parents and other members of our extended family can be sources of support—and sources of stress. Take a few minutes to answer the following questions with your spouse about your thoughts and feelings about your in-laws. Rank the following people as to their likelihood of being problematic in your relationship with your spouse. Do the titles you use indicate your types of relationships?

Why or why not? If so, how will that affect your relationship? If you have a difficult relationship with your inlaws, it can have some devastating consequences on your marriage. The more mutual respect and appreciation you have for your in-laws, the more security and stability you and your spouse will have in your marriage.

Try these suggestions for building a strong relationship with your in-laws. Seek approval. Know what to call them. Ask your in-laws what they would like you to call them. Some might prefer that you call them Mom and Dad, but others might prefer you call them by their first names. Finding this out will help you feel more comfortable with one another. Also, this may change over time. Get your own place. Some couples, for one reason or another, decide to start their married lives together by living with one set of parents or the other.

This rarely works out well. It will be difficult both for you and the parents with whom you are living. Having your own place is a crucial step toward independence and marital happiness. Be independent together. You are beginning your own nuclear family.

You and your spouse should make your own decisions regarding such issues as schooling, finances, children, and employment.

Asking your parents or in-laws for advice is okay,. Set boundaries together. Share some activities. Doing some things with your in-laws will help you get to know them better and feel more comfortable with them. Appreciate them. Be sure to thank your in-laws for anything they do for you, including being the parents of the spouse you love. Avoid financial puppetry.

Focus on their strengths. Accept any differences that exist, and look for positive attributes. Remarriages and marriages that form stepfamilies one or both spouses have children from a previous relationship are more complex from the start. Take the following quiz, and see if you can identify what is reality, or true, and what is a myth, or false. Attachment between stepparent and stepchildren needs to occur quickly. Children ages 9 to 15 usually have the most difficult time adjusting to a new stepfamily.

Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged. It helps stepfamily adjustment if the nonresidential parent withdraws. Living in a stepfamily formed after a parent dies is easier than living in a stepfamily formed after a divorce. Part-time stepparenting is easier than full-time stepparenting. A strong couple relationship is an important part of forming a strong stepfamily. A stepparent living with a stepchild has the same legal rights as the biological parent.